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June 17,
2010
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So my time has finally come.
In the beginning you think about leaving. But the longer it takes it
seems less likely to happen
But when it does you feel like you've been cheated.
I'll recall as much as I can.
My good bye lunch with Rotary; I wrote a speech in French and
basically had my French friends to look at it beforehand.
At the end of the lunch my counselor (who I've grown to honestly love)
gave me a zoom lens as a goodbye present. A ZOOM LENS.
He succeeded in being the best counselor he could've been, though his
job took him all over the place, whenever I needed him he was there.
And that's what's most important.
I've been crying almost everyday for the past few weeks. Trying to
kill that anxiety of getting on the plane again
Saying good bye to friends wasn't as painful as I thought. But I exist
with something hollow in my chest that only they could fill.
I remember labeling France as the 'unknown'. I had no idea what to
expect.
Now I don't know what to expect when I get home
It hasn't been a year yet, but I imagine a lot of things have
happened, has changed without me.
My goodbye dinner with all of my host families struck me the worst. I
broke down in tears saying good bye to them.
Despite my shyness that threatened to create a distance between me and
them over the past few months, We all managed to grow so close.
I left them with good memories. I left them with a shattered heart.
They know I'll miss them now if they didn't know then.
My last day, I went to the city with close friends in my class. I
stayed with them until they had to go to school. I wanted our goodbyes
to be as casual as possible. And it could've been. If they didn't
follow me after I had already left them. The sadness that hung in the
air was too much and I cried again. People who I haven't managed to
talked to a lot during the year I'll miss.
Each of them had their own aura that I adored. It will be hard to
duplicate.
Now I'm writing this journal 3am in the morning when I'll be getting
up in about 3 hours to get ready to go to the airport.
Right now my mind's a blank, my eyes are itchy from all the crying,
the silence is deafening.
I've just been so blessed meeting others who shared the same
experience as me as exchange students.
I've met countless of them, from all over. I'll honestly miss them
all.
I can't thank Rotary enough. It's an indescribable experience. It can
be incredibly painful in the beginning.
But in the end, when you master the language, create bonds, all of it
becomes worth it. It becomes a part of you.
This program grants you the opportunity to be...'reborn'. No
one knows you in the beginning, but you're expected, like an unborn
child.
You're then absorbed into a new world learning about things you never
knew existed. Eventually you adjust, and behave as if you were a
native
When you finally master it, you have to leave it all. Kind of like
death.
You leave everyone feeling sad, and they have nothing left but the
memories.
It may seem impossible, but eventually you learn to live without each
other. It doesn't mean you let them slip away, it's just not as
painful anymore
We've marked the lives of perfect strangers. Imagine that. I have a
group of people in an entirely different country, who speak a
completely different
language; who care for me. (<---is that good English? I don't even
know anymore)
This year went by in a rush. And I'm carrying all my memories in my
luggage, my blazer and my heart.
Ce n'est pas adieu.
"I'm gonna ride this plane out of your life again
I wish that I could stay, but you argue
More than this I wish, you could've seen my face
In backseats staring out, the window."
-Wake Up by Coheed and Cambria
-Lanny |
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April
13, 2010
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The reason why I haven't
written in so long is because during the Easter Break loads of
things have happened and I wanted to have a healthy journal entry
this time.
So, going back as far as I can
remember, around mid-March, there was an orientation for basically
all the exchange students who lived in the north of France. This was
the first one I've ever been to and it was incredibly enjoyable. I
reunited with people I knew from the airport in Washington waaay
back then and met some new ones too. It really burned a hole in my
chest because I may not see them ever again.
We stayed in a hostel in Paris
for a period of 4 days. The showers were cold and stopped every 2
minutes (THAT was fun) but they had a mildly impressive lounge room.
We visited the Eiffel Tower (of course), climbed 700 stairs (what
happened to the elevtator? I don't know but I didn't get to use it)
visited the Sacre Coeur and notre dame church and did some touristy
shopping.
Then followed Chantilly and
Versailles. The weather was chilly and still is. I’m anxiously
awaiting the sun to appear out from SOMEWHERE. Then the following
week my mum and sister came to visit! It was a teary reunion between
my sis and I. The pride that usually prevents us from showing any
affection towards each other didn’t exist then, so much that it
seemed like a horrible loss than an over joyous occasion. They
stayed a week with me and my host family before leaving for the most
hectic two weeks I might ever experience.
Once I left my host family I
left them for good. I left gifts behind for everyone and it was
incredibly sad leaving them. I felt most comfortable
there and to start over and HOPE to find that balance again
is more than difficult. But I’ve met my third host family already
and they seem like nice people; they are. I just
hope we mesh well.
Okay, so me and my fam did a
Mediterranean cruise which consisted of Greece, Italy, Croatia,
Spain and the south of France. The shifting of luggage in between
stops like Lille to Paris, Paris to Barcelona and Venice to Germany
was incredibly tiring. In between my mother, sister and I we had 6
bags in all, each weighing 50 pounds, excluding handbags. We dragged
them over cobble stones, countless of stairs,
boats and metros. I’m still aching from the most recent labour but
I’m happy for the opportunity to work muscles I rarely keep in
shape.
Greece was my all time
favourite stop (like I expected). The entire time I wished I could
have done exchange there! There were more mountains than buildings
and the scenery was like a dream. I really hope I have an
opportunity to go back.
To my surprise I’m kind of
eager to get back to France. I haven’t had the opportunity to speak
a lot of French during the vacation and that sort of bugs me! I say
‘merci’ more than ‘thank you’ and I’m even trying to pick up as much
phrases as I can while visiting all these countries.
At the moment I’m in Germany
until Wednesday then I go back ‘home’ to France. Then in no more
than 2 months this crazy ride will come to an end. I’m not sure how
I feel about leaving everyone and possibly not seeing them again.
I’m curious and eager about home, but I wish I could take my new
friends with me. I’m already worrying about excess luggage (which
I’m almost POSITIVE I have). I’m thinking about returning home in my
junky Rotary blazer. I’m almost dreading the last day.
I’m curious about life from
now on
“I remember it well.”
-Damien Rice
I Remember
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February 3, 2010
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Salut
Saluut <3
Let's go back to the beginning.
New Year's Day/night I was in the country side of France; very
peaceful place. I spent it with the former president of my
Rotary club and his family. The most exciting thing I will never
forget is feeding the sheep :) Not exactly sure if they belonged to my
president's or what, but it was a sweet experience.
New Year's evening I didn't go anywhere, for his daughter was throwing
a little party in the other end of their house. I used to be in
church for New Year's. While this was a nice change it made me miss MY
friends terribly. I remember floating around the place making small
talk with a few people, and that was GREAT I think. Just knowing if my
3 best friends were there it would have been the most amazing night.
But I enjoyed it. Shortly after midnight I made an update to my
Facebook saying I'm in the New Year..6 hours ahead and I suddenly felt
relieved. I silently thanked God for allowing me to see anther
January, wished health and happiness to everyone I knew, then I went
back to the party. Eventually the constant floating got tiresome, and
I went to bed around 2am.
The day after I changed families officially. I was secretly glad the
vacations were over. All that shifting and packing of bags made me
kind of hazy. My second host family are relatives of my counselor (the
mother is his sister) so I already felt like I wasn't meeting complete
strangers.. I met them Christmas Eve so I already felt somewhat
comfortable. The host mother works at an elementary school twice
a week. She has a very interesting background and we share basically
the same taste in clothes (guess who's playing dress up in mommy's
closet) The father works in Paris so he's away for half of the week.
He's also a champion BOWLER. Isn't that cool :P. He goes bowling like
a week when he returns home. I go sometimes. I'm trying not to be so
terrible at it.
There are 3 children. 13 year old boy, 11 year old boy and a 14 year
old girl. No one really close to my age except their half sister who's
20 but she doesn't live here. But it's fine the kids are really
lively. The two brothers are always fighting. The mother is always
scolding them. The daughter's probably the most chilled. Maybe got
that from her dad :). It happens basically on a daily basis I promise
you. When that happens I try not to be in the same room. It's more
than awkward.
They have a dog, 2 cats, a salamander, a rat, a rabbit, a bird and
some fish. (Boy, I hope I'm not forgetting anyone) But there's hardly
any noise in the house, not from them at least.
So I used to live in Villeneuve d'Ascq; in the same area as my school,
and only half an hour away from Lille. Now I live in Roubaix which is
an hour away from school :) So nooow I get up at 6:15/6:30, leave the
house at 7, walk about 13minutes to the tram station that goes on for
about +20 minutes, walk to the bus stop; the ride's about 16 minutes
tops and I'm finally to school. My sleeping pattern is COMPLETELY
irregular now. But it's ok :)
It's not as cold as it was late December early January but it's still
really messed up weather. But I'm feeling in the zone these days and
got in the habit of wearing shorts like I did at home. Never MIND it's
25-32 degrees outside I've grown sick of being bundled up for most of
my stay.
The French is progressinnggg. The verbs are hindering me though. But I
can basically say what I need to say now.. It still feels completely
unnatural but I still have 4 months. 4 months wow. Time flies doesn't
it? I remember the beginning so perfectly.
Soon June will be here, and I'll say goodbye to this place for a long
time. I'd really like to come back one day. Aside from the struggles
as an exchange student the country itself is just something I can only
dream of. But again with the language. Even if it's not
perfected, the learning doesn't stop there. I'll continue to work on
it.
For a long time I've had that desire to be bilingual. It was a
phenomenon in itself to me. Now everything's sinking in, fitting
perfectly into the misshapen pieces of my mind that were created in
the beginning due to the language barrier.
I can't wait for the day when I can no longer say "I know a LITTLE bit
of French."
"Solace my game, solace my game
It stars you
Swing wide your crane, swing wide your crane
And run me through"
-Bon Iver
The Wolves Act I and II |
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November 20, 2009
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I'm happy to say that know more French now than I
ever thought possible. There's so much I need to learn but still. I'm
so proud of myself. Sad to say this reserved introverted spirit
of mine refuses to die. I believe it's gotten my host mother a bit
disappointed in me, which frightened and hurt me beyond my own
understanding. This situation reminds
me so much of home; where I've been constantly reprimanded to speak
more, smile more. I'm much too involved with picking apart every
single aspect of this country. I'm always an observer. I feel like I
understand better this way.
Don't judge me just yet dear readers. I've
reached out to people in ways I never would have in my own sanctuary
called home; Where I could actually control who I'd want in my life.
The status of my potential French friends are
still pending; and as another day goes by without a response I grow
more and more discouraged. Whether you'd like to believe it or
not, not everyone is willing to be patient and help me through my
ordeal of trying to comprehend a new language. Many times if someone
actually bothers to give me a time of day they always speak in
English, like I'm completely incapable of understanding their native
tongue (despite the fact that my progress is quite apparent) It's
almost a bit insulting.
There are still people I've kept my eye on. I'm
still fighting my conscience to approach them or not. But from this
week on I'll have to re-analyze everything. Am I thinking too
much into this? I'm wondering now. I'll have to prepare myself in
being more persistent.
Besides this little dilemma everything else has
been pretty stable. I'm slowly trying to get into this European
fashion. It boggles my mind. But the life of a Rotary Exchange Student
is very depressing because somehow we always end up broke within 2
weeks of receiving our money. We are your future my dear adults.
Tremble in fear.
The weather is getting progressively colder as
the weeks go by and it's how I think it should be. I'll never give up
the pleasure of wearing flip flops and tanktops until early November,
but it's nice to have a real autumn for the first time. Like I
said I love observing, but it's about time that I become one with this
beauty Lastly I just want to remind you how passionate I am about this
journey I chose to undertake. I admit things could be better, but I'm
aiming for something here. At the end of the year I can say all of it
was worth it. I'm squirming in quick sand at the moment; and I'm
trying to save myself.
"Don't let go
I've wanted this far too long"
-Show Me What I'm Looking For by Carolina Liar |
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October 10, 2009
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Everyone
must forgive me for the enigmatic journal i left a few days ago.
I wrote it in the wrong place at the wrong time. (French class and in
a melancholy mood)
Now I will explain as best as I possibly can what's really been going
on. My French has in fact gotten better without me realizing it.
I'm still fumbling for words that are literally sitting on my
lips but it's a vast improvement since my arrival Unfortunately I
still cannot have much of an easy flowing conversation; I merely nod
and smile and appear completely absorbed in what the natives are
saying.
School is murderously tedious and has often put me in that passive
mood. Not so positive. But there has been someone who's been
consistent in their efforts to talk to me and I applaud him for that.
Every once in a while there's a new face but for the moment I'm pretty
often by myself or with other exchange students. It's not the position
I want to be in but unfortunately that's just how it is.
FunnyFact: The French can't say 'squirrel'. That has got to be
the best discovery since I got here.
It's getting colder and I'm incredibly uncomfortable most of the time
but I really do adore the weather. The mysticism of the seasons
are more obvious here than at home (where the trees are green all year
round). I've never seen a proper 'autmun' before now and it
blows me away.
My host family is wonderful. They're very sociable and we often visit
people for conversation and drinks. My host mother is motherly
in every sense of the word. She's a housewife so she's naturally
nurturing. My host father speaks no english; which is perfect. I try
my best to be legit with him; he's humorous and often puts me at
ease. My two brothers, though I haven't have the heart to talk to them
as much as I'd like to, I feel a deep love for. Samuel, in his
youthful glory, with the palest skin I could ever imagine and the
bluest eyes I've ever seen. The little brother I've always longed to
have and the face poets wrote about. And Thibault, literally and older
version of Samuel impresses me in ways
I've never believed. Oddly I love them both already, and the thought
of leaving them both one day burns a hole in my chest.
The food is either hit or miss for me. I'm polite to try everything
they give me, but some things I can't help but crinkle my nose at (i.e
the cheese.) Some of the cheese are surprisingly good but. Wow.
That's all I can say.
I admire this lifestyle where it enables teenagers to become
independent. The buses, the metros, the trains I have access to.
Wednesdays are now a regular outing with the Rotary students. I
feel as if I'm more at ease when I'm with them (wonder why).
I have a long way to go, yet I already feel a sense of accomplishment.
I'm honestly content.
Thank you Rotary.
"Some people think they're always right
Others are quiet and uptight
Others they seem so very nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice...
Inside they might feel sad and wrong"
-The Strokes
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September 26, 2009
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Traveler's Eye
I overt my traveler's eye to the sky
Because my happiness dwells there
Never below where these strangers walk
But I am the stranger.
The words I wish to say I cannot
My traveler's eye is dry now but
My mouth is numb
Numb because of this ordeal
These alien sounds, I cannot form
These sounds, I try my best to comprehend
I, myself am often misunderstood and cast aside
Where is my happiness?
Nevertheless the love for this place burns bright
I'd never leave but I wish,
I wish you were here, cherie
All of you.
My heart aches to fit into this new puzzle.
Am I too small?
Am I too big?
The days have turned to weeks
And now a month has passed.
Where do I stand?
J'adore il
Je deteste il
I'm lost in it all.
"I turn my head to the east
I dont see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the west
still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the north,
swallow that pill
that they call pride
The old me is dead and gone,
the new me will be alright"
-T.I. |
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August 30, 2009
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I am now experiencing
what I'd like to call "The
Helen Keller Syndrome"
I'm rendered helpless, much worse than a young child because they at
least grasp the basic understanding of their surroundings. I cannot.
I cannot speak very well, so I am 'dumb'
I cannot understand much either, so I am 'deaf'
My reading is better than the rest but is very limited, so 'blind'
People are here to help but it feels like I'm 'trapped in a dark room
with no windows or doors.'
Not that it's a bad thing. I'm not depressed at all. The mental
preparation for this new life of mine has been quick to grasp, though
I must admit my true personality is nowhere near this place.
I'm more disoriented than ever. I'm losing track of the days, the
time. It's been over 48 hours and time seems to drag on. Which I hope
it does. The aura here is spectacular.
I also must remember not to be so distracted by my thoughts, I believe
my host mother worries a little. It's just now I realize I'm actually
here after all those months of waiting. I think it's finally hit me
now.
I am on the other side of the world now, so family and friends I
haven't kept in much contact with, which I'm also taking oddly well
(so far). I'm in awe at the fact that I'm out and about while they're
fast asleep, and vice versa. I want to compare skies at the same time,
just to be sure that we're both living on the same planet.
Everything's so petite and semi-formal. I love it. It's sophisticated
and beautiful. My camera hardly stays in my bag. I wish you all could
see what I see.
My birthday's tomorrow. My family and I will visit Lille and have
dinner there.
It's all so amazing. I could cry.
Until next month I suppose, or until I can't hold in the immense joy
in my little body anymore; whichever comes first.
-Lanny
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